Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

Milk Cube

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.