Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.