*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke