*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Spring of Deception
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.