[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Many hands make light work
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.