[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]