[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.