Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

Going to church you guys need anything

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs