[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?