Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

ㅤ

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

wtf

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.