Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”