*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.