Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

No way!

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Hawk o the mornin tuah

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Don’t touch that.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?