In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
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My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Saw your ex at the shops
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Morning my dudes.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
