Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.