Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peep davidson

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean