[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
