[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Cannot stop laughing at this
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
