Single by choice, just not my choice.
Damn you, 19th amendment!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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If u had Hitler & a guy who doesnt mute the keyboard on his iPhone in a room & could only kill one, would u give Hitler the dead guys phone?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I hate when I try to shut my phone off and take 13 screenshots instead.
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.