[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
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i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.