Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose