[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
You Might Also Like
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Worst Native American name ever.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.