Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

Beetlejuice: Hey!

me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…

Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.

me: Beetlejuice…

Beetlejuices: please stop.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup