Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.