Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

“This is from the both of us”

– my parents giving me mental illness

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.