[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
HERE’S MARKY
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.