[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Stop.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.