[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
aura
