Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions