Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.