[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I have so many questions.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
All excellent questions
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs