In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.