Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

10/10 no notes

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

1900: Let’s filter coffee.

1950: We need to filter cigarettes.

1970: We should really filter water.

2015: I want to filter my face.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.