In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”