In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.