Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

The human personality is made of five key elements

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.