In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body