Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

Just got to our Airbnb!

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine