In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that