Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

ew if literal: let me be clear

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.