Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

Monday?
No. Next question.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”