[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Sorry. Not sorry
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?