Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

Seems a bit forward

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)