[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
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*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
my one true gender
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
As per my previous tablet…
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports