[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
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[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle