I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
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“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Remember folks 😂
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences