Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt