[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.