*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose