Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.