*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Donating blood today to make room for more food
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
what the hell girl, sure
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet