*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet