*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)