*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
just make the entire table out of coaster
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.