*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Damn he played himself
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The answer is funnier than the question
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.