@mrjohndarby

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

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@Darlainky

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

@PJTLynch

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

@mattZillaaaa

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@notxzibit

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

@KagroX

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

@TheToddWilliams

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food