In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*