In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
It was earie.
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.