In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.
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[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
dude it’s called proctologist
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
