In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.
You Might Also Like
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Sure. Why not?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.