in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
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Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
sensitive skin
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket