in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Lmao 🤣
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart