[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
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Mood.. 😂
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
New comic up. “Ransom”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET