Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?