In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
wow he looks just like him
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Haha! 😂
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
😍😂🥰😂😍
