In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Yup
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*