In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It was worth a shot 😂
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt