Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.