Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

I see your IQ test came back negative

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.

That

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary